I can’t even tell you.
The truth
Is that I do not have a choice
On this planet
But to quit
But to be quiet
Because I’ve said so many things
Because I’ve tried so many times
Because I have not quit
Because I’ve not been quiet
Because I still love you
And that love is foreign.
If you knew how I live,
Would you ever go away?
Would you ever want a moment alone,
Or would you want to bask in me?
If you knew how I see you,
Would you care to look away?
Would you fall in love, as I do,
With every thought, word, action in you?
Are you afraid to be Narcissus,
Afraid to lose your false humility,
Afraid to gaze in the glaze of waters
Afraid to be who you were born to be?
Are you afraid to be so close to me
Because you’re afraid to be so close to you?
Afraid to admit the girl you love
Because she is so nearly you?
Give me a moment with your mind.
Give me a moment in your heart.
Give me your hand, your lips, your you;
Let me put everything in view.
Yes, I do have a mind –
but I have a body, too
and I deserve to be touched
to be worshipped
to be admired
to be adored
as any cloud
as any storm
as any flower
as any fruit:
I deserve to have my hand plucked from my side, where it rests
like a flower, casually plucked from the ground
and kissed, the tender flesh of my hand as gentle
as any flower’s silken petals that may brush your nose
I deserve to have a river’s run of caresses up the length of my arm
my taut muscles like a riverbed of polished rocks
yearn for the fluid motions of your heart in action
for the flickering motion of lips like fishes swimming in a stream
I deserve a steady trickle of fingers slipping up my thighs
my body a heaving river fed by your ever-increasing streams
spilling helplessly over and over again
I knew our days were numbered,
from the start:
Your soulful, aching gaze lingering;
Your life, your willful ways chaining;
You were a longing man amongst a pride of lions;
I am a free woman amidst a pride of artists.
And my ire was stirred, even then:
Your lasting, lustful gaze demanding that I sit,
My legs, my body openly on display;
My soul, my passion rippling ‘round that room.
And you were my match, yet bound comfortably;
And I was yours, yet bound uncomfortably.
You demanded that I sit,
That I watch you take me in,
That I know your every thought,
That I know you would not stir.
And I, so hungry for your touch,
And I, so thirsty for your voice,
And I, so angry for your will,
And I, so helplessly lost in you.
You do nothing that your mind demands of you.
You do nothing that your heart demands is true.
You do nothing that your will was meant to do.
You do nothing that a man is supposed to do.
And in that place, I am a prisoner.
And, in that place, I am bound to you.
And, in that place, I know everything there is to know about you.
And, in that place, I am utterly bound to you.
May I ask for what I want, from you?
May I ask for what I want most, for what is true?
May I ask that you are my friend, my lover, my dearest love?
May I ask for all that you know is true?
Come back to me, forever and a day,
And stay with me, forever through our life,
And linger with me, until infinity,
And forget me only long enough to gaze, bewildered, once again.
Come back, my love.
Come back and kiss my skin
In all the places I bid, unspoken;
Come back and find my heart unbroken, and yet bruised;
Come back, for you, for me.
The rain streamed down so many panes of glass,
With you beneath, bustling, working,
And I watched…
My mirrored soul-streams spilled outside, reflecting
As my confessions, compliments, and I fell hopelessly, endlessly.
My heart pressed against my mouth to spill;
The windows of my mind got in the way
As I wanted, like the rain, to shower you
With all of the secret feelings I have kept
As you talked of safe-but-uncomfortable places
Of perfection,
Of the perfection of making another smile.
I wonder:
Will this work?
Will this pool of truth reach you
The way the truth of you reached me,
The way you woke me from the never-ending struggle of a dream,
As the pools of your dark eyes reflect a solitary place we both love well,
As your veins strain visibly to contain your vibrant vitality,
While your smile lights you and me infectiously, and all around who see
The way your way embraces everyone and everything…?
I knew that I was dying.
something in me said, go ahead, die, sleep, become as
them, accept. then something else in me said, no, save the tiniest
bit.
it needn’t be much, just a spark.
a spark can set a whole forest on
fire.
just a spark.
save it.
Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?
Your shadows still exist here.
I used to cry, used to be tormented
by the memory of your, by the ghost of you…
But now I laugh, twinkle my eyes at your shadows,
smile at your friends who are now becoming mine,
who now love me openly as you do in your dark places.
I’m tickled by the thought of you knowing,
finding that I live happily ever after, still,
beyond the dream of you, living still in the dream of me.
You’re still you, and I’m still me;
and happily-ever-after we shall be:
you, in your world and I in mine,
forever, regardless, intertwined.
Even if you called 6 months later, at 3am i’d still answer.
Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it.
Don’t lose heart if it’s very difficult at times, everything will come out all right and nobody can in the beginning do as he wishes.
I choose you. & I’ll choose you, over & over & over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I’ll keep choosing you.
(via cattedrali)
…Because, no matter what I choose… I have no choice in loving you.
I can still forgive you everything:
Every moment when you feared,
Every moment when you ran away,
Every moment when you tore at me in your frustration,
Every moment when you asked me to be different than I am,
Different from who I am,
Different from who you love,
Different from who loves you.
I can still forgive you everything,
And I can still want to be in your arms,
Dreaming daydreams of watching clouds o’erhead,
Kissing your exquisite skin,
Tracing your perfect ribs
Watching your perfect nerves cause ripples, perfectly, under my perfected touch,
As my careful eyes watch you,
As your startled voice begs for mercy.
I can still forgive you everything.
I can still remember your truthful words
Asking me to be a part of your life, forever;
Asking for a deep and profound connection;
Asking me to give you everything;
Asking me to just be me.
Do you want to know the pain this distance caused?
Do you still want to run away?
I can still forgive you everything,
But do we need to cry forever, you and I?
Do our tears need to rain upon the world, a thousand raindrops
To wash away our pain – yours over every woman you’ve loved inadvertently;
Mine, over every beautiful love – and you! – I’ve inadvertently driven away?
At least we’re crying.
At least our hearts still spill some truth of you-and-me…
Or, at least, mine does, running rivers through the streets.
I can still forgive you everything…
And I’ll gradually forgive myself
For losing you.
Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life.
“This is the hardest relationship in my entire life,” he complained.
If I was any less of the woman I am, would you have been drawn to me?
I’m not actually any different from anyone who’s ever loved anyone so deeply.
I’m not actually any different from anyone who’s ever loved anyone so deeply.
I think of you probably as much;
I’m just as lost, as confused by your leaving
As anyone in all the ages of lovers being left.
We have been searching for this answer through all of time:
Why did he die?
Why did he leave?
Why did she not want me?
Why did she reject my love?
Why not accept the reality of us, of what we so clearly felt?
Why choose to forget what beauty we shared…?
Did he not know I would die, too,
Without the sunshine of his presence?
Did he not know that I would be ripped from the very soil, which was him?
Did she not know that I loved her?
Did she not realize how much I would have done for her, how I would have given anything, everything? That I still am, to this day?
Was our reality too much to bear, too challenging for the wish of the world we faced? Did our feelings truly challenge everything?
Did only I consider every moment we had together the most exquisite seconds in life…?
These questions rest in oblivion,
And the only rest I have is the rest I feel when I know I still love you,
When I know I am still in love with you.
It was the only rest I ever felt, in that way.
It was the only you I ever knew.
And this memory is not a memory.
We lived those moments in eternity…
And I am waiting for the stars to realign for you-and-me…
Because I am still in love,
And will always be.
We need to move away from this constant need of coming across as calm, cool and collected. We weren’t built to be calm, cool, and collected. If we were, it wouldn’t feel so exhausting all the time. It would, you know, come naturally to us. You know what comes naturally to human beings though? Being open, being messy, being raw, being unfiltered, having lots of feelings. Why should we have to stifle our true nature? Let’s go after the things we want, let’s love each other brutally and honestly, and not worry about the consequences. Let’s release the feelings inside of us and let them land somewhere special. Otherwise, we might have a lifetime of longing in front of us.
I love this. And hear it always.
I do not know why you must be away,
But you are
And so you must be.
Instead of sorrow at your absence,
I’ll send you joy and love on your path,
And live and live happily on mine…
And I’ll beg the heavens
To bring us back, in joy and love and happiness
One day.
Oceans of Mine 