So, you don't want the words I spill, pouring from this surging swell, cresting lips you've known so well from depths of me you've helped to fill 'Why bother with men,' an old man said one chilly night, when the leaves were dead, after up his walk my feet did tread; and, quickened, my mind and my heart then sped "I love because I must," said I, and gazed into that darkened sky remembering how many had said 'Goodbye,' loving each one anew to verify So, you don't want words uttered now, do you? Don't want my heart, though undoubtedly true. Don't want to delve into all we've been through, Can't walk away to a fresh morning dew And that's still your trouble, my favorite dear: That the past remains: insurmountable fear, You'd sooner look on us with distasteful sneer, Sooner leave your past lonely and shed not a tear I'll cry for us both, as I've cried times before And I'll keep true to us, as I've kept true our lore While you hold yourself stifled, and life, you ignore - But I'll not forsake you; you're one I adore
Tag: love lost
To All of You I’ve Loved and Lost
I studied everything you gave. I learned. I lived. I changed.
Darlings,
You may have broken my heart a hundred-thousand times.
You may have hurt me physically, hurt me mentally, hurt me emotionally.
You may have cut yourselves off from love, and cut me off in the process. Maybe you just cut me off.
Maybe I’m too much for you.
Maybe I’m too intense for you.
Maybe you didn’t know how to handle all the love I expressed to you.
Maybe I was wrong, and maybe I was right.
Maybe, sometimes, you just weren’t ready, you didn’t like something about me, you couldn’t put your finger on it but it just wasn’t right.
But certainly, I’ve changed because of all I’ve been through, all you – all of you – have put me through. I changed because I loved; and if you loved me enough, I’m certain that I changed for you.
But here’s the thing:
If you would love me enough, if you had talked to me enough, if you’d been brave enough to face your own heart and emotions and mind, if you’d been open enough to talk it out with me, tenacious enough to stick around…
We could have had something beautiful. Something amazing. Something wonderful, whether it lasted or not.
Instead… I studied everything you gave. I learned. I lived. I changed.
Because that is how I must live, so I don’t kill my feelings, so I don’t live forever and ever and ever in underscored, unspoken pain, trying to understand how this has happened again.
Love – whether mine or others’ – changes me. It changes me, because I feel.
So, when you’re not sure if you’re brave enough to love, or even just to accept my love; when you’re not sure if you can speak your heart and mind because you’re afraid to hurt me; when you go silent, dumbfounded by the enormity of me: Just be true to your feelings, and you can’t go wrong.
Or, to make it simpler: Just be true.
But, regardless of everything: I still love you because I still know how to.
P.S. My love belongs to me, until you’re willing to take it. Then, it’s ours, from me to you. I’ll never beg you back, but if you come back humbly, respectfully, it’s all still here, with me, waiting for you.
Open Letter to a Lost Love
Let me tell you a little bit about love, from my view
Let me tell you a little bit about love, from my view:
Remember my fingers, trailing on your chest after I unbuttoned your shirt, slipping through the curls of hair that perhaps no one ever loved like I do? Remember what it felt like to look into my eyes?
Maybe you don’t remember. But I do.
Yes, darling; you’re right. I do deserve to be loved as magnanimously as I love you. I understand that you’re intimidated, that you feel you’ll never match the soulful gazes I give you.
Yes, love; I understand your fear, and all of the trepidation you have when you consider me, when you think of the possibility of loving as much as you did, of having it simply vanish into a black depth, into an empty death that seems to pull you, too.
Yes, angel. I know you.
My heart has been broken many times before you. I’ve cried so many tears, I’ve thought I would choke on the pain. I’ve wondered how I’ll ever breathe again, how I’ll ever step from my bed. I’ve felt a mind full of vice-like pain so great, I swear, I’ve wished I’d die.
But, of all the things I’ve ever felt, the greatest horrors were the realizations of the numbness I’ve felt, the vast tracts of memories stolen by pain, by fear, and held far from me, held silently from me, truths I never at those times knew.
Love breaks.
Love breaks, my love. Love breaks your heart and makes you feel; love breaks your mind and makes you aware; love breaks all boundaries and sets you free; love breaks all rules and suddenly…
What will you do?
You’re a flowing mass of energy.
You have no words.
You have no rules.
You have no understanding.
You look in the eyes of someone who’s learned to harness love, who’s learned to sail in love, and you think, you think she’s got it together. You think you’ll never learn to be with her, nor with anyone, because here you are, a mass of unbidden feelings – and with those feelings come insecurities…!
You look, you feel; you’re lost.
And you can see those feelings you pushed away, all of those feelings you don’t want to feel of painful pasts, of insecurities…
And you deny love. You don’t want to feel love, because it will break down all of those walls. It will tear down all of your defenses. It will leave you vulnerable, and you will feel sometimes empty.
How, tell me, how can you feel empty when you are in love?
Because, my angel love:
Love breaks down and lifts away, and sweeps away, and cleanses all of those corners where pain existed…
And love does not feel like pain. Love does not leave traces of ache. Love is like light: it shines upon you and on all of your spaces, and shows you every little thing; love is like water, as strong and as full, but flowing and washing everything away, given enough time.
And what is left, my love, feels empty – as it is not sticking so terribly to the corners of your mind, to the bulk of your mind, demanding your entire energy.
So, you ask me to take my love and go away because you do not feel as I do.
My darling, did you expect to?
Do you expect your heart will swell with joy when the light of my heart shines upon all of the pain you hold closely?
Did you expect to surge with love when you’ve cut off and dammed up the very source of your love, when you swell only and exclusively for children, born of your pure love and innocence?
Did you expect you’d have less of an effect upon me, when you slip your arms around me, unbeknownst to you, giving still more than my parched heart has felt in so many years?
Did you decide you don’t want to listen anymore, to feel any more simply because love is so new to you, again?
The Road To Giving Up
he’s just not that into you… It’s been a week since I’ve heard from you Sweet words of love Of tenderness he’s just not that into you… While men in desirous parts of the world Beg my attentions, pour on me affections, Pull for my presence, promise me peace he’s just not that into you… I suffer long, lonely days alone, abused still By absence, by affliction, by the remnants Of maltreatment banished he’s just not that into you… And wonder, worry for your beauty Wonder, worry for my own… Reminded by your native enemies… he’s just not that into you… No sweet words come at last No fond words of affection No desire to be present… he’s just not that into you… But, even my white kitten comes, An angel's silent steps and passionate Love-bites to remind me of my own… he’s just not that into you… You’re just not that into me, are you? For, if you were, your words would spill; For, if you were, no harm could come… he’s just not that into you… for, if you were, you’d share words of peace, feather me with beauty… … just not that into me… … and I fade, my love burning like a pyre, my heart aching like a martyr, my mind begging for a champion, and I, abandoned of your touch bereft of love… he’s just not that into you… my eyes spill, slowly, yearning for the truth… he’s just not that into you… 'til my heart breaks as I read your words: “… I’m just not that into you”
Photo ©2014 MLM
Forgive Me
I can still forgive you everything:
Every moment when you feared,
Every moment when you ran away,
Every moment when you tore at me in your frustration,
Every moment when you asked me to be different than I am,
Different from who I am,
Different from who you love,
Different from who loves you.
I can still forgive you everything,
And I can still want to be in your arms,
Dreaming daydreams of watching clouds o’erhead,
Kissing your exquisite skin,
Tracing your perfect ribs
Watching your perfect nerves cause ripples, perfectly, under my perfected touch,
As my careful eyes watch you,
As your startled voice begs for mercy.
I can still forgive you everything.
I can still remember your truthful words
Asking me to be a part of your life, forever;
Asking for a deep and profound connection;
Asking me to give you everything;
Asking me to just be me.
Do you want to know the pain this distance caused?
Do you still want to run away?
I can still forgive you everything,
But do we need to cry forever, you and I?
Do our tears need to rain upon the world, a thousand raindrops
To wash away our pain – yours over every woman you’ve loved inadvertently;
Mine, over every beautiful love – and you! – I’ve inadvertently driven away?
At least we’re crying.
At least our hearts still spill some truth of you-and-me…
Or, at least, mine does, running rivers through the streets.
I can still forgive you everything…
And I’ll gradually forgive myself
For losing you.
Oceans of Mine 