Tag: relationships

Unsplintered

Eventually, you’ll know that I wrote this for you – though I’m publishing it because I’m not the only one in the world who needs, who deserves, who craves to be inspired by, reminded of, enlightened by an example such as you.

I just asked you the hardest questions ever about our budding relationship. I stated the hardest truths – unique to us, but not unique; and they may very well be the hardest truths we ever face.

It’s the second time today we’ve struggled through strong, heavy, deep emotions. Trudging through tidal waves in old rivers that promise to pull us under if we lose hold of each other, if we fail to keep aware, I led us this morning and again this evening.

It would be easier, of course, to slip into something comfortable and let the tide carry us away, swept on the surface of our emotions without ever diving beneath the rippling waves.

I’m not like that, though.

I don’t trust the way others live their romances, ignoring life and living, believing only what’s above the surface, pretending nothing exists beneath; then lying about where they’ve been when they delve into depths with other friends or lovers – or by themselves.

I’ve tried to lead men in this way before.

Countless times (very literally), I’ve been accused harshly for speaking the truth. Countless times, I’ve been hammered down for fearing, for feeling, for expressing my anxieties, my heartfelt wishes, my anguish-strained memories.

I was alone when you found me, this time, for a reason:

It never worked, before. I’ve countlessly been abandoned. I’ve endlessly been blamed, misunderstood, rejected.

It’s a lot, I know. Where once I was silent, afraid to speak a word about the rippling of my heart, reigned in the tidal waves of fears and tears and love and dreams because I was used to being beaten, I speak it all, given liberty to do so. I ask, still, rather than presuming. It speaks highly of… everything.

Not that any of that matters, now.

What matters is that you looked at your life, at our love, at the difficulties that lay ahead of us and, rather than hiding anymore, rather than accepting what is untenable, rather than asking that I accept something equally or more untenable, you took the lead.

You don’t know how proud I am of you for this, for what you did for me. For us. For you.

And you let me give this to you.

This, also, speaks highly of everything.

I know it’s not easy to face your truths. I know it’s not easy to change one’s life, to walk out into the unknown.

But you did it. You took that first step.

I’m so proud of you. As hard as it is, as deep as this hurts, I’m so proud of you for accepting responsibility for your life. For not evading anymore. For accepting yourself.

You’re not splintered anymore.

Splintered by Aisha Badru

They never taught us how to love
So we use our pain
To comfort us
And we never practice what we preach
Instead, we find
Someone else to teach

We try not to see with our eyes
We fill our plates
With dozens of lies
We try so hard to keep it in
We turn away
From what lies within

We are splintered
And we are rotten
Deep within the walls that we've forgotten
All the answers
To all our problems
Lie within the one who tries to dodge them

Ooooh, ooooh
Ooooh, ooooh

We're so afraid to be alone
So we hoard our pain
And call it home
They never taught us how to look inside
Only how to run and how to dry our eyes

We dig ourselves into a ditch
How many of us die
And pretend to live?
We stop the life from leakin' in
When we turn away
From what lies within

We are splintered
And we are rotten
Deep within the walls that we've forgotten
All the answers
To all our problems
Lie within the one who tries to dodge them

We are splintered
And we are rotten
Deep under the floorboards we've forgotten
But all the answers
To all our problems
Lie within the one who tries to dodge them

Ooooh, ooooh
Ooooh, ooooh

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Aisha Badru

Rush

Yes,

It came and went so quickly:

A storm that passed between,

Swept us up in a dream —

And, in a climactic scream,

Emptied

Us

Both.

Beautiful perfection existed for a moment,

Faltered into an abyss.

What a pity.

There’s a mirror somewhere around,

When you want to look into it.

Rush

Yes,
It came and went so quickly:

A storm that passed between,
Swept us up in a dream --
And, in a climactic scream,

Emptied
Us
Both.

Beautiful perfection
Existed for a moment,
Faltered into an abyss.

What a pity.

There's a mirror somewhere around,
When you want to look into it.

An Open Letter to a Nigerian CatFisher

I’ve been thinking of you, this morning.

Since the day I found out you weren’t real, when I looked into the real doctor, I’ve been thinking of how to write to you – to the real you.

Underneath it all, there’s a real you. I’m sure I touched upon it – with my poetry, with my writing.

So, I’m writing to the real you, this time — although, truth be told, I was writing to the real you, all the time.

Though you weren’t you.

Except in your responses to me; in your responses to my poetry.

“Charmed by your writing,” you wrote to me. That, I believe.

So, here I am, writing to you — to the human in you.

I told you, that first day, that I was skeptical of you. My senses were accurate; you were deceiving me. I don’t know why.

I’m told, and there are ways to learn, to surmise what your purpose was. I’m just a humble writer; just a humble poetess. I’ve not money to give you; only time. Only my time, and my writing.

So, I’m writing to you — for myself, this time.

Let me be open with you, for I am open (and that, incidentally, is why you’ve not hurt me):

I love what is real… and it was the real in you that kept me intrigued, that suspended my time with you, that suspended my disbelief.

It will never make sense to me that people deceive — whatever the reason, be it for money, for love, for attention. I am too real, too honest, too guileless to want in my life anything but what is real…

Even if a sweet romance with some intriguing man is beautiful to me.

For better or for worse, reality is what draws me; and honesty is what gives me strength. For better or for worse, truth, not lies, captivate my mind; beg me to enter any relationship, for any reason, and hold me, bind me to anything.

Birdsong; wafting breezes; thundering planes roaring through the sky. Chills from cool mornings and the heat of the sun in warm afternoons beckon me to stay, to indulge, to brave all else that may call to me. Truthful conversations, real reactions: these things draw me from whatever else I may feel — and not because I wish for something to happen, but because something is happening. Something real is happening.

And I am not afraid of shifts in weather, of shifts in personality; but only, ever, does deceit eat away at such things, for deception is the death of anything.

So, I ask you this: Why deceive? Why continue a deceit, a ruse when it was clear that you had nothing to take from me, when I could give you nothing more than time, when so much of my writing was yours, already, to read?

It is curious to me, for it was you who was caught in a trap of reality… and I have certainly been accused — before, by others to whom I gave my reality — of spinning a web in which they became caught.

You thought yourself the spider, and I the fly; but truth shows a mirrored reality: that truth, not lies, not deceit binds people. And it is truth, reality, openness that keeps us, nourishes us, gives us life — and love.

I get tired of the secrets; they’re only good when they’re revealed, in any case.

I’m intriguing only because I’m real, open, honest, vulnerable; and my vulnerability keeps me safe because I choose to be vulnerable — but not unwisely so, not naively so.

Conscious vulnerability is the safest place in all the world… because in this act, alone, I can see best all that there is to see; because I can see others’ shields sparkling, and I can see where vulnerability remains. I can see it, and I choose to prod those spots gently… not to cause pain, as others might; but to give life, to encourage increased vulnerability — with me, if with no one else.

So, take from me this:

You have a choice to be real, to be vulnerable, as I have seen you to be. You have a choice to read and respond, or not to respond and remain in your dark secrets.

But I live in the freedom of life, and I can feel the breath of breezes touching me; while you and all of those who shield themselves — in others’ skins, as you tried with me, or behind the walls of their other fictions — feel only what slips beneath the seams of your various armors.

I am real. And that is honestly the most valuable thing I have… but you cannot have all of my reality, nor anyone’s (not even your own), if you do not remove your own armor first and step into your own reality.

I hope, for your own sake, that you abandon this fruitless cause that isolates you so deeply.

To All of You I’ve Loved and Lost

I studied everything you gave. I learned. I lived. I changed.

Darlings,

You may have broken my heart a hundred-thousand times.

You may have hurt me physically, hurt me mentally, hurt me emotionally.

You may have cut yourselves off from love, and cut me off in the process. Maybe you just cut me off.

Maybe I’m too much for you.

Maybe I’m too intense for you.

Maybe you didn’t know how to handle all the love I expressed to you.

Maybe I was wrong, and maybe I was right.

Maybe, sometimes, you just weren’t ready, you didn’t like something about me, you couldn’t put your finger on it but it just wasn’t right.

But certainly, I’ve changed because of all I’ve been through, all you – all of you – have put me through. I changed because I loved; and if you loved me enough, I’m certain that I changed for you.

But here’s the thing:

If you would love me enough, if you had talked to me enough, if you’d been brave enough to face your own heart and emotions and mind, if you’d been open enough to talk it out with me, tenacious enough to stick around…

We could have had something beautiful. Something amazing. Something wonderful, whether it lasted or not.

Instead… I studied everything you gave. I learned. I lived. I changed.

Because that is how I must live, so I don’t kill my feelings, so I don’t live forever and ever and ever in underscored, unspoken pain, trying to understand how this has happened again.

Love – whether mine or others’ – changes me. It changes me, because I feel.

So, when you’re not sure if you’re brave enough to love, or even just to accept my love; when you’re not sure if you can speak your heart and mind because you’re afraid to hurt me; when you go silent, dumbfounded by the enormity of me: Just be true to your feelings, and you can’t go wrong.

Or, to make it simpler: Just be true.

But, regardless of everything: I still love you because I still know how to.

P.S. My love belongs to me, until you’re willing to take it. Then, it’s ours, from me to you. I’ll never beg you back, but if you come back humbly, respectfully, it’s all still here, with me, waiting for you.

Open Letter to a Lost Love

Let me tell you a little bit about love, from my view

Let me tell you a little bit about love, from my view:

Remember my fingers, trailing on your chest after I unbuttoned your shirt, slipping through the curls of hair that perhaps no one ever loved like I do? Remember what it felt like to look into my eyes?

Maybe you don’t remember. But I do.

Yes, darling; you’re right. I do deserve to be loved as magnanimously as I love you. I understand that you’re intimidated, that you feel you’ll never match the soulful gazes I give you.

Yes, love; I understand your fear, and all of the trepidation you have when you consider me, when you think of the possibility of loving as much as you did, of having it simply vanish into a black depth, into an empty death that seems to pull you, too.

Yes, angel. I know you.

My heart has been broken many times before you. I’ve cried so many tears, I’ve thought I would choke on the pain. I’ve wondered how I’ll ever breathe again, how I’ll ever step from my bed. I’ve felt a mind full of vice-like pain so great, I swear, I’ve wished I’d die.

But, of all the things I’ve ever felt, the greatest horrors were the realizations of the numbness I’ve felt, the vast tracts of memories stolen by pain, by fear, and held far from me, held silently from me, truths I never at those times knew.

Love breaks.

Love breaks, my love. Love breaks your heart and makes you feel; love breaks your mind and makes you aware; love breaks all boundaries and sets you free; love breaks all rules and suddenly…

What will you do?

You’re a flowing mass of energy.

You have no words.

You have no rules.

You have no understanding.

You look in the eyes of someone who’s learned to harness love, who’s learned to sail in love, and you think, you think she’s got it together. You think you’ll never learn to be with her, nor with anyone, because here you are, a mass of unbidden feelings – and with those feelings come insecurities…!

You look, you feel; you’re lost.

And you can see those feelings you pushed away, all of those feelings you don’t want to feel of painful pasts, of insecurities…

And you deny love. You don’t want to feel love, because it will break down all of those walls. It will tear down all of your defenses. It will leave you vulnerable, and you will feel sometimes empty.

How, tell me, how can you feel empty when you are in love?

Because, my angel love:

Love breaks down and lifts away, and sweeps away, and cleanses all of those corners where pain existed…

And love does not feel like pain. Love does not leave traces of ache. Love is like light: it shines upon you and on all of your spaces, and shows you every little thing; love is like water, as strong and as full, but flowing and washing everything away, given enough time.

And what is left, my love, feels empty – as it is not sticking so terribly to the corners of your mind, to the bulk of your mind, demanding your entire energy.

So, you ask me to take my love and go away because you do not feel as I do.

My darling, did you expect to?

Do you expect your heart will swell with joy when the light of my heart shines upon all of the pain you hold closely?

Did you expect to surge with love when you’ve cut off and dammed up the very source of your love, when you swell only and exclusively for children, born of your pure love and innocence?

Did you expect you’d have less of an effect upon me, when you slip your arms around me, unbeknownst to you, giving still more than my parched heart has felt in so many years?

Did you decide you don’t want to listen anymore, to feel any more simply because love is so new to you, again?

Speaking in the Face of Fear

Say it to me again, yet again
Those words that drip with firey ice
Squawk, tear at me due to hidden pain
Tell me calm words are not so nice

Tell me, you who would teach me again
Tell me, again, that I speak too much
When I speak my heart, though perfectly plain
When I utter no nonsense, but reason-and-such

Say it to me, heart’s love, just one more time
Those words no one can stand to hear
Those cruel words of your stain’ed mind
Whispering echoes of your darkest fear

Loose on me your deep regrets
Charged heavily with your father’s voice
Sing to me pained refrain, don’t forget
When I speak with truth, my heart’s deepest choice

But ‘t’were coddling words you wanted to hear
Since speaking true words is your greatest fear
And hearing truths unbidden a dastardly crime
Though untruths claim your life time after time

I learned: Strangling my voice was my only vice
From the one who enacted my crime-not-so-nice
We don’t get to choose truths or to cut grafts and splice
Else you’d be as that one was, a true accomplice

So, don’t tell me, aged one
Words of honey sweet
Can undo what one has done
While I stand on my feet

And please grasp: I’m not uncouth
Nor you, I chastise
If I can’t shut my mouth
I just don’t compromise

Still lauded as smart
I stand up for myself
I am true to my heart
Don’t put it on a shelf

So please, don’t slap me down like the child you feel
When I’m offering words, if you’d take, that might heal
But your ego is great and your fear overtakes
And we both lose our tempers, make horrid mistakes

Do you think, for a second, if I’d listened to you
If I’d shut my mouth tight, as you demand that I do
That I’d not be so brandished in life as I’ve been?
I promise you, I did; felt their fists time again

So, you beg that I stop
But I promise, I shan’t
It’s a choice that I make
Even if love is scant

Understanding takes all but a moment, my dear
Understanding that love sometimes mixes with fear
Understanding that truth is truth, despite what you take
Understand vocalizing is a choice we each make
Understanding comes whether we like it or not
But choose not understanding, all chances are shot

PROLOGUE

And now, you have but a memory close
And I shan't give you lectures
We've each had our last dose
All through fissions and fractures
We lose love and time
And you're not even likely
To read this last rhyme

If You Ever Wonder Why You Lost Me

If you ever wonder why you lost me
All you have to do is remember
The countless words I spilled for you
Swept aside like autumn leaves
Blown away like apple blossoms
Discarded like old newspapers
Every word a drop of blood
A ray of sunlight
A breath of sea spray
Ignored
Unwanted
Every word, a piece of me
Relinquished wisdom
Burned in the bonfire
Of your bitter life

Photo ©2017 MLM

Tell Me How

Tell me how
You might be brave
When you run away
At the first glimpse of danger

Tell me how
You'd make me a slave
You demand your way
But you're not my maker

Tell me how
To ignore this wave
When love is not a game I play
I cannot help but feel this anger

Tell me how
I can but leave
Sequestered, I can't find a way
And I was not born to be a faker

The Treason of Humanity

No one wants to know how much it matters to talk, how vital it is to express oneself.

But no one tells the birds to be quiet, or the crickets to be silent.

Nothing but fear and instinct shuts them down, causes them pause – and it is only a pause, to better assess the situation, to gauge their safety and the safety of their community. A pause…

And then, back to what they were saying, doing. Singing to who-knows-what in the middle of the day; chirping to the stars all night long.

But we humans?

We learn to speak, and are silenced immediately.

We never have a chance to sing to our hearts’ desires, to speak to our minds’ content. We cannot ask the millions of questions, cannot share the billions of things we’ve learned.

We are shut down by mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers… by everyone. Not engaged. Not even distracted. We are bound to listen, to obey…

To relinquish our freedom of speech before we ever know what that means.

And we wonder at the lack of intelligence in our day.

We are confounded at the dissolution of marriages, of families, of relationships.

We wish for peace…

And yet, we cannot, will not speak, will not allow hearts to speak…

Though we cannot help but love those few who break through the silence, the rules of self-oppression.

I would give anything to listen, and to speak.

To be me, Meri, for all eternity.

And so…

I shall.

Politeness is treason of our own humanity.

Different Love

You may know so many things, be attuned to my mind...
But do you know the depths of love?

Why stop a feeling that is so kind?
Why stop a lover's heart?

Why end a love before its time
When it has barely had time to start?

What river's course would you dare tame
When all of life survives therewith?

So, why, when love behaves the same
Would any heart leave and claim the Fifth?

I love, and love, and love again
And not but one has dared to claim

My heart as deeply as he has,
Though I and he've not come to pass...

And, what on earth's a girl to do
When I love others differently than I love you?

Photo ©2016 MLM

Doubts Borne of Men I’ve Loved Before

You know you're beautiful, like no one else,
I've seen the way you hold yourself:
That shameless poise as you just pass through
Holding my heart like I belonged to you

What is it you do not see
That makes it easy to discard me?
What is it you love much more
That you'd walk out and shut the door?

You know you're talented, so self-made,
I've seen the wealth and the accolades:
Dropped a trifle in my palm,
Wrote me off without a qualm

What is it makes you cease to care
Despite all that we vowed to share?
What is it you want so much less
That you'd shatter my heart, leave it a mess?

You know you're so very skilled at love,
I remember the things we'd both dream of:
That passionate demand in my ear
Making me wish I could hold you near

What is it makes you disappear,
Pretend we were not, then wander clear?
What is it you get with her
To pretend that you and I never were?

You know your life is so very nice,
Family so lovely as to entice,
Home so calm my dreams I might sell
If I didn't know your wishes well

What is it makes you shield your heart
When we've managed this belated start?
What is it makes you act this way
Where I'm damned sure you'll go away?

You know you're just so very smart
I gave you my life to take apart,
I'd have been with you a million years
But you left me spilling a heart full of tears

What is it you loathed so much
That you tore me apart, gave so rare a touch?
What is it makes you blind to see
That it was your problem more than it was me?

Photo ©2020 MLM

Haunted

It's never
"I don't love you"

And it's never
"I don't care"

It's always
"I crave you"
"I need you"
"I want you"

Forever
"Please, baby"
"C'mon, baby"
"Why not, baby?"

I'd do so much more for me and you
I've done so much for me and you
I'm just asking that you do
This one thing for us, too

And it's hard,
But I will dare

And it's hard,
Much more than "maybe"

But, step out of comfort, baby
We'll have much more than "maybe"
Love's far deeper than just caring
And those close to me are daring

I'm just asking that you do
This next thing for me and you

I can't keep pulling you along
Can't keep up this lonely song
But if you force this solitaire
Please release me from this snare

And I'll step out of comfort, baby
We'll have so much less than "maybe"
Love's so much more than wanting
So much more than two souls' haunting

Photo ©2016 MLM

Running In Circles

So, the obvious 'comes apparent;
Does this change 'nything in truth?
For our friendship leaves the aberrant
‘Fore I come home to Duluth

And I found another lover
And your soul and mine depart
And my freedom, I recover
And I find again my heart

There was never any answer in the minds rejecting love
There was never any truth in those blue skies, so far above
There was only I and you, two lonely souls stood, side-by-side
There were only two hearts calling, though but one love could abide

And I found this other lover
And your soul and mind depart
And my freedom, I recover
And I offer him my heart

So, the obvious 'comes apparent,
And all life is changed, in truth
And a friendship dies, inherent,
For each choice made in Duluth

But, I found my only lover
Ne’er his soul and mine depart
And our freedom, we’ll recover
As I share with him my heart

There was never any answer in the minds rejecting love
There was never any truth in those blue skies, so far above
There are only I and you, together: souls here, hand-in-hand
There are only two hearts ‘twining, exploring love and life, unplanned

Prisms of Love

Don’t you know?

I long to feel the skin upon your face,
The brush of whiskers nettled on your chin
And when I reach to touch, you to embrace
I find that I am forced to reach within

For - don’t you know?

I tremble all the day and all night long
My body eager, vibrating as you strum
The heartstrings of such a familiar song
Your fingers not yet on flesh; still, for you I thrum

And I cannot foresee another way
Than dancing deeply in a world unknown
So I will live and love another day
That one day, maybe soon, this depth be shown

That, maybe one day soon, I will be yours
And you’ll be mine, in body too;
That one day soon, we’ll dance through doors
In ethereal worlds we’ll live, both I and you

So, don’t you know?

My heart is bound to yours and lost to me
It’s yet my mind you kiss, that you must woo
And I, lost forever in this fantasy
Somehow made real, this life, by your love true

And - you must know!

Forever, in this time
That you are yours, and also I am thine;
That I belong to me, and you are mine!
That we are ours, forever-love sublime

Photo ©2016 MLM

The Justice of Love

…If I ever hurt you, do not let me be until there is some kind of justice in it.

We make our own justice, those of us who love and leave love — for whatever reasons.

Is not the absence of a loved one justice enough?

Is not the torture of having left, of being blind to our lover’s ways, of missing their movements, the flow of their minds, the smell of their skin, the union of bodies and minds and souls —

Is this not justice enough?

Justice will find you; so mourn as you will the loss of one loved, who loved you true, who loved you until the day of her final parting, who thought more of you than of any other being, who loved you more than any other soul —

Whose soul still loves you,

Whose soul still craves you,

Whose soul still aches for you,

Whose soul is clambering to find you, anew —

But whose mind and heart and body could no longer bear the lingering absence of you.

Photo ©2017 MLM

The Return

I waited.

I learned.

I did not leave, nor quit of my feelings.

Why would I, when love IS?

Why would I, when you ARE?

Why would I, when I AM?

I waited.

I learned.

I felt you so many times, and I still loved you;

I knew you always loved me, too.

Why wouldn’t you, when love IS?

Why wouldn’t you, when you ARE?

Why wouldn’t you, when I AM?

I waited.

I learned.

I did not give up hope – though almost…

And you returned.

I don’t know how long it will last – but I will still love you;

I don’t know how it will look – but I will still watch you;

I don’t know how you will be with me – but I will give to you…

Because love is,

Because you are,

Because I am

Always.

Paradoxes Bleed in the Black of Morning

You still hold against me that I love you.

Who is the fool: you or I,

When, yes, I am alone,

But you are without the knowledge of either of us,

Without the peace of our friendship,

Without the knowledge of me.

We are taught that we are allowed no mistakes, in love.

There is no turning back,

No forgiveness.

We deal retribution in love as if we knew better,

As if we were ones to teach

An everlasting energy

How to be.

I still love you.

I still live you.

I still know you.

I still see you.

Perhaps I do not know what you want me to be,

Perhaps I will never be as you wish me to be,

But I love you

And that is everything.

You still make my heart break with your sadness.

You still make my heart leap with your joys.

You still make my mind warp with your ways.

You still make my loins ache with your beauty.

Break me again and again,

I will still be yours, eternally,

As I am every man’s whom I love.

Do not ask me to render this paradox sense;

I only know it’s true –

As I know you are mine, too…

As every moment you gave yourself to me

Lasts, lives…

And I miss you.

We mistake sex for romance. Guys are taught that pushing a girl up against a wall is romance. Sex is easy; you can do it with anyone, yourself, with batteries. Romance is when someone you like walks into a room and they take your breath away. Romance is when two people are dancing and they fit together perfectly. Romance is when two people are walking next to each other and all of a sudden they find themselves holding hands, and they don’t know how that happened.

John C. Moffi
(via wordsnquotes)

We often crave a love that is raw, but when it starts to pierce our being we have a tendency to run.

Awakened Vibrations (via awakenedvibrations)