It has been said that Cigarettes Are a way to hold Fire In a human's hand It has been said that Wine Is the source of Life I say that You And I Are yet the depth of Love And love Is Life Is Fire Is all of Faith Is Truth Is All Is All Is All
Kindness Brings What Kindness Does
Within a measured caste, am I, yet treasured by the skies above or so it seems, when, like a dove, my soul has wings, has learned to fly And freedom is a treasured thing I find in dusky days and nights alit by stars and firelights, though open heart is all I bring And I, though humble cast-away, am rescued by an unknown Queen, removed from all the pain that’s been, may find a home where I may stay So, for the kindness She bestows upon my weary heart and mind, I, too, must give my heart in kind and treasure my life, highs and lows No longer dirty, beaten-down; no longer tiresome, parched and faint, I lend my soul without complaint to She, the bearer of that Crown For kindness brings what kindness does, as proven throughout history, as proven, yet, if but by me in all I am, and all that was
written for the doll, Sofya, in the Skotos world of Castle Marrach, in honor of Queen Vivienne
So-and-So
So, you don't want the words I spill, pouring from this surging swell, cresting lips you've known so well from depths of me you've helped to fill 'Why bother with men,' an old man said one chilly night, when the leaves were dead, after up his walk my feet did tread; and, quickened, my mind and my heart then sped "I love because I must," said I, and gazed into that darkened sky remembering how many had said 'Goodbye,' loving each one anew to verify So, you don't want words uttered now, do you? Don't want my heart, though undoubtedly true. Don't want to delve into all we've been through, Can't walk away to a fresh morning dew And that's still your trouble, my favorite dear: That the past remains: insurmountable fear, You'd sooner look on us with distasteful sneer, Sooner leave your past lonely and shed not a tear I'll cry for us both, as I've cried times before And I'll keep true to us, as I've kept true our lore While you hold yourself stifled, and life, you ignore - But I'll not forsake you; you're one I adore
To All of You I’ve Loved and Lost
I studied everything you gave. I learned. I lived. I changed.
Darlings,
You may have broken my heart a hundred-thousand times.
You may have hurt me physically, hurt me mentally, hurt me emotionally.
You may have cut yourselves off from love, and cut me off in the process. Maybe you just cut me off.
Maybe I’m too much for you.
Maybe I’m too intense for you.
Maybe you didn’t know how to handle all the love I expressed to you.
Maybe I was wrong, and maybe I was right.
Maybe, sometimes, you just weren’t ready, you didn’t like something about me, you couldn’t put your finger on it but it just wasn’t right.
But certainly, I’ve changed because of all I’ve been through, all you – all of you – have put me through. I changed because I loved; and if you loved me enough, I’m certain that I changed for you.
But here’s the thing:
If you would love me enough, if you had talked to me enough, if you’d been brave enough to face your own heart and emotions and mind, if you’d been open enough to talk it out with me, tenacious enough to stick around…
We could have had something beautiful. Something amazing. Something wonderful, whether it lasted or not.
Instead… I studied everything you gave. I learned. I lived. I changed.
Because that is how I must live, so I don’t kill my feelings, so I don’t live forever and ever and ever in underscored, unspoken pain, trying to understand how this has happened again.
Love – whether mine or others’ – changes me. It changes me, because I feel.
So, when you’re not sure if you’re brave enough to love, or even just to accept my love; when you’re not sure if you can speak your heart and mind because you’re afraid to hurt me; when you go silent, dumbfounded by the enormity of me: Just be true to your feelings, and you can’t go wrong.
Or, to make it simpler: Just be true.
But, regardless of everything: I still love you because I still know how to.
P.S. My love belongs to me, until you’re willing to take it. Then, it’s ours, from me to you. I’ll never beg you back, but if you come back humbly, respectfully, it’s all still here, with me, waiting for you.
Open Letter to a Lost Love
Let me tell you a little bit about love, from my view
Let me tell you a little bit about love, from my view:
Remember my fingers, trailing on your chest after I unbuttoned your shirt, slipping through the curls of hair that perhaps no one ever loved like I do? Remember what it felt like to look into my eyes?
Maybe you don’t remember. But I do.
Yes, darling; you’re right. I do deserve to be loved as magnanimously as I love you. I understand that you’re intimidated, that you feel you’ll never match the soulful gazes I give you.
Yes, love; I understand your fear, and all of the trepidation you have when you consider me, when you think of the possibility of loving as much as you did, of having it simply vanish into a black depth, into an empty death that seems to pull you, too.
Yes, angel. I know you.
My heart has been broken many times before you. I’ve cried so many tears, I’ve thought I would choke on the pain. I’ve wondered how I’ll ever breathe again, how I’ll ever step from my bed. I’ve felt a mind full of vice-like pain so great, I swear, I’ve wished I’d die.
But, of all the things I’ve ever felt, the greatest horrors were the realizations of the numbness I’ve felt, the vast tracts of memories stolen by pain, by fear, and held far from me, held silently from me, truths I never at those times knew.
Love breaks.
Love breaks, my love. Love breaks your heart and makes you feel; love breaks your mind and makes you aware; love breaks all boundaries and sets you free; love breaks all rules and suddenly…
What will you do?
You’re a flowing mass of energy.
You have no words.
You have no rules.
You have no understanding.
You look in the eyes of someone who’s learned to harness love, who’s learned to sail in love, and you think, you think she’s got it together. You think you’ll never learn to be with her, nor with anyone, because here you are, a mass of unbidden feelings – and with those feelings come insecurities…!
You look, you feel; you’re lost.
And you can see those feelings you pushed away, all of those feelings you don’t want to feel of painful pasts, of insecurities…
And you deny love. You don’t want to feel love, because it will break down all of those walls. It will tear down all of your defenses. It will leave you vulnerable, and you will feel sometimes empty.
How, tell me, how can you feel empty when you are in love?
Because, my angel love:
Love breaks down and lifts away, and sweeps away, and cleanses all of those corners where pain existed…
And love does not feel like pain. Love does not leave traces of ache. Love is like light: it shines upon you and on all of your spaces, and shows you every little thing; love is like water, as strong and as full, but flowing and washing everything away, given enough time.
And what is left, my love, feels empty – as it is not sticking so terribly to the corners of your mind, to the bulk of your mind, demanding your entire energy.
So, you ask me to take my love and go away because you do not feel as I do.
My darling, did you expect to?
Do you expect your heart will swell with joy when the light of my heart shines upon all of the pain you hold closely?
Did you expect to surge with love when you’ve cut off and dammed up the very source of your love, when you swell only and exclusively for children, born of your pure love and innocence?
Did you expect you’d have less of an effect upon me, when you slip your arms around me, unbeknownst to you, giving still more than my parched heart has felt in so many years?
Did you decide you don’t want to listen anymore, to feel any more simply because love is so new to you, again?
Speaking in the Face of Fear
Say it to me again, yet again Those words that drip with firey ice Squawk, tear at me due to hidden pain Tell me calm words are not so nice Tell me, you who would teach me again Tell me, again, that I speak too much When I speak my heart, though perfectly plain When I utter no nonsense, but reason-and-such Say it to me, heart’s love, just one more time Those words no one can stand to hear Those cruel words of your stain’ed mind Whispering echoes of your darkest fear Loose on me your deep regrets Charged heavily with your father’s voice Sing to me pained refrain, don’t forget When I speak with truth, my heart’s deepest choice But ‘t’were coddling words you wanted to hear Since speaking true words is your greatest fear And hearing truths unbidden a dastardly crime Though untruths claim your life time after time I learned: Strangling my voice was my only vice From the one who enacted my crime-not-so-nice We don’t get to choose truths or to cut grafts and splice Else you’d be as that one was, a true accomplice So, don’t tell me, aged one Words of honey sweet Can undo what one has done While I stand on my feet And please grasp: I’m not uncouth Nor you, I chastise If I can’t shut my mouth I just don’t compromise Still lauded as smart I stand up for myself I am true to my heart Don’t put it on a shelf So please, don’t slap me down like the child you feel When I’m offering words, if you’d take, that might heal But your ego is great and your fear overtakes And we both lose our tempers, make horrid mistakes Do you think, for a second, if I’d listened to you If I’d shut my mouth tight, as you demand that I do That I’d not be so brandished in life as I’ve been? I promise you, I did; felt their fists time again So, you beg that I stop But I promise, I shan’t It’s a choice that I make Even if love is scant Understanding takes all but a moment, my dear Understanding that love sometimes mixes with fear Understanding that truth is truth, despite what you take Understand vocalizing is a choice we each make Understanding comes whether we like it or not But choose not understanding, all chances are shot PROLOGUE And now, you have but a memory close And I shan't give you lectures We've each had our last dose All through fissions and fractures We lose love and time And you're not even likely To read this last rhyme
Two
He wasn’t there at all; it was just the music that made her heart ache, swim, stir like those moments when they had kissed, when he had touched her hand, when he had reached to her cheek and held her so gently, stroked her hair softly, gave her all of the love that he now thought he couldn’t give.
He wasn’t there to kiss her thighs, to kiss her knees, to kiss her calves and her ankles, to worship her in that way that felt like she was a part of love, like they were both a part of the same love, worshiping some sacred moment, some higher power with every religious slip of a tongue, with every precious pressing of lips. Yet, he was there, the whole time: The music sang to her in the same way he moved along her body; it soothed her in exactly the same ways his lips broke — with easy, warm kisses — her iceberg tension; it enveloped her in exactly the ways his arms enveloped her, his energy wrapped around her; it slipped into her ears exactly as his breath, his conversation entered her mind, feeding her soul more thoroughly than any other nourishment.
He would be a part of her forever, now – as he had been a part of her through all the years apart, despite forgetting how she’d loved him once, long ago, in such a youthful, hopeless way. For now, they’d had conversations as adults; they’d made love as adults; they’d held each other’s eyes and bodies as adults: with full consciousness.
She didn’t want any other, and she thought she’d likely wind up with another, at least for a time.
When she was with him, though… there was no other. There was only him. Two, alone, and her.
And that was all there ever needed to be.
Photo ©2017 MLM
Don’t You Know?
Don't you know it? I long to feel the skin upon your face, The brush of whiskers nettled on your chin And when I reach to touch, you to embrace I find that I am forced to reach within For - don't you know? I tremble all the day and all night long My body eager, vibrating as you strum The heartstrings of such a familiar song Fingers not yet on flesh, yet I you thrum The depths between us bide in another place, Entwined and dancing lovers, 'round we spin, In happy dreams and love, ethereally encased, Far from the heat and noise of this life's din And I cannot foresee another way Than dancing deeply in a world unknown So I will live and love another day That one day, maybe soon, depths will be shown That, maybe one day soon, I will be yours And you'll be mine, in body too; That one day soon, we'll dance through doors And ethereal worlds we'll live, both I and you So, don't you know? My heart is bound to yours, and lost to me It's yet my mind you kiss, that you must woo And I, lost in this fantasy Somehow made real, this life, by your love true And - you must know! Forever, in this time That you are yours, and also I am thine; That I belong to me, and you are mine! That we are ours, forever-love sublime
Photo credit: Pexels Free Photos
Only You
Only you Defied reality Defiled my mind Withstood my sea Came back to me Not only you Resisted reality Withheld your mind Shrank from my sea Came back to me Only you (And only they) Could claim my mind Shift what you say With meanings play Not only you (Nor only they) Left me, my mind And heard me say "Love is not a game I play," But only you Are only you I keep my mind My heart is true I still have room for "I love you"
If You Ever Wonder Why You Lost Me
If you ever wonder why you lost me
All you have to do is remember
The countless words I spilled for you
Swept aside like autumn leaves
Blown away like apple blossoms
Discarded like old newspapers
Every word a drop of blood
A ray of sunlight
A breath of sea spray
Ignored
Unwanted
Every word, a piece of me
Relinquished wisdom
Burned in the bonfire
Of your bitter life
Photo ©2017 MLM
Tell Me How
Tell me how You might be brave When you run away At the first glimpse of danger Tell me how You'd make me a slave You demand your way But you're not my maker Tell me how To ignore this wave When love is not a game I play I cannot help but feel this anger Tell me how I can but leave Sequestered, I can't find a way And I was not born to be a faker
The Treason of Humanity
No one wants to know how much it matters to talk, how vital it is to express oneself.
But no one tells the birds to be quiet, or the crickets to be silent.
Nothing but fear and instinct shuts them down, causes them pause – and it is only a pause, to better assess the situation, to gauge their safety and the safety of their community. A pause…
And then, back to what they were saying, doing. Singing to who-knows-what in the middle of the day; chirping to the stars all night long.
But we humans?
We learn to speak, and are silenced immediately.
We never have a chance to sing to our hearts’ desires, to speak to our minds’ content. We cannot ask the millions of questions, cannot share the billions of things we’ve learned.
We are shut down by mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers… by everyone. Not engaged. Not even distracted. We are bound to listen, to obey…
To relinquish our freedom of speech before we ever know what that means.
And we wonder at the lack of intelligence in our day.
We are confounded at the dissolution of marriages, of families, of relationships.
We wish for peace…
And yet, we cannot, will not speak, will not allow hearts to speak…
Though we cannot help but love those few who break through the silence, the rules of self-oppression.
I would give anything to listen, and to speak.
To be me, Meri, for all eternity.
And so…
I shall.
Politeness is treason of our own humanity.
Different Love
You may know so many things, be attuned to my mind... But do you know the depths of love? Why stop a feeling that is so kind? Why stop a lover's heart? Why end a love before its time When it has barely had time to start? What river's course would you dare tame When all of life survives therewith? So, why, when love behaves the same Would any heart leave and claim the Fifth? I love, and love, and love again And not but one has dared to claim My heart as deeply as he has, Though I and he've not come to pass... And, what on earth's a girl to do When I love others differently than I love you?
Photo ©2016 MLM
Tender
Tender is his heart, Tender is his love, The one who reaches me, Plucked me from skies above; Tender is his touch, Tender is his kiss, And tender is my heart for him; And all I am is his.
Photo ©2016 MLM
On the Tail of the Poetry Half-Marathon
Twelve hours and twelve poems, nine a.m. to nine p.m. on Saturday. And that was just the half-marathon.
I knew it would be a challenge, emotionally and physically; I didn’t expect it to be what it was, nor to lead me to the freedom of my heart and mind that it has become.
With that much writing – and particularly with poetry – I had to tap into the things that were most pressing, which was (as usual) love and romance. Normally, I write one or two poems at a time when things really get too much, release a bit of what’s bothering me – enough to be able to continue – and then forgive, forget, love again and stronger.
This time…
This time, it’s different. Around hour four, I got mad. Really mad, because I felt so very cut-off, so very misunderstood, so very neglected, so very taken for granted by those around me. It’s one thing to be left alone to write, but to realize that no one is even checking up on you? It’s like they don’t even understand how much emotional energy it takes to expose oneself so deeply, and to create something honest, open, truthful, beautiful, comprehensible with that raw emotional energy and self-awareness.
So, I got mad at my best friend – who understood “leave me alone so I can write” as “cut me out of existence for twelve hours”… and understood the opposite as “pester me whenever you have a thought”. I was furious at the insensivity… so I let him know. Then went back to my writing.
Today, in the aftermath, I woke up tired (just as the full-marathoners were finishing their last poems, around 8:30 a.m.), though I couldn’t sleep any more. We had planned, my friend and I, to go to my favorite farmers market, held in Grant Park, Atlanta, every Sunday morning through the growing season; and then we were to meet with a friend from my freshman year of high school, whom I’ve not seen for twenty-some-odd years.
Coffee at the new donut shop in town proved amusing as a twenty-something year-old college student flirted mildly with me as we bought coffees, and then we were off to the farmers market and to wander around Atlanta until our meeting with my friend, which proved to be more intriguing for my best friend than for me, as he and my high school friend had more in common, more to relate to with each other than I had to relate, frankly, with either of them.
And, in the end, I realized the following:
I’m tired of caring what others think, have no longer have interest in “becoming someone” or “making money” or even in having my writing read – no matter how good it is.
Dusk is beautiful in Georgia, and I’m very lucky to have grown up in a small, quiet town north of Atlanta where the evenings are undisturbed, where I can sit on the front porch and contemplate the thunder and the billowing clouds beyond the pine trees.
And men, most men, will never understand me.
Photo ©2017 MLM
Doubts Borne of Men I’ve Loved Before
You know you're beautiful, like no one else, I've seen the way you hold yourself: That shameless poise as you just pass through Holding my heart like I belonged to you What is it you do not see That makes it easy to discard me? What is it you love much more That you'd walk out and shut the door? You know you're talented, so self-made, I've seen the wealth and the accolades: Dropped a trifle in my palm, Wrote me off without a qualm What is it makes you cease to care Despite all that we vowed to share? What is it you want so much less That you'd shatter my heart, leave it a mess? You know you're so very skilled at love, I remember the things we'd both dream of: That passionate demand in my ear Making me wish I could hold you near What is it makes you disappear, Pretend we were not, then wander clear? What is it you get with her To pretend that you and I never were? You know your life is so very nice, Family so lovely as to entice, Home so calm my dreams I might sell If I didn't know your wishes well What is it makes you shield your heart When we've managed this belated start? What is it makes you act this way Where I'm damned sure you'll go away? You know you're just so very smart I gave you my life to take apart, I'd have been with you a million years But you left me spilling a heart full of tears What is it you loathed so much That you tore me apart, gave so rare a touch? What is it makes you blind to see That it was your problem more than it was me?
Photo ©2020 MLM
Love In Rainbows
Love me in rainbows, Not just red, blue or green, Love me with whispers of the Agean Sea Love me in rainbows, Not with some smattering, Love me with fervor of mosquitos' biting Love me in rainbows More than red, blue and white, Love me and hold me with all of your might Love me in rainbows, Love with all of your sight, Love me with such heat we lift up in flight Love me in rainbows Ends piled with gold Love me with such love our love can't be sold Love me in rainbows With colors so bold Your love and my love can never grow old Love me in rainbows 'Til we reach the sun Love me and love me 'til we become one Love me in rainbows, Silken touches you've spun And I'll love you forever, 'cause I won't be outdone
Photo credit: Pexels Free Photos
Whispers
Tuck your nose behind my ear Speak so softly I cannot hear Lips pressed gently to my skin Murmur nothing again, again Slip your fingers up my throat Utter hushed words so remote Speak into my eager mind Words my heart may only find Whisper luscious words so sweet About how much you've wished to meet Soft skin brushed across my lips Plaintive words with fingertips Speak as though your eyes were blind Your wish for love, deep to my mind Trailing touches 'cross my heart Murmured words in silent art
Photo credit: Pexels Free Photos
Bending Time
What's left when a kiss is o'er and through, When limbs once-woven unfurled? I can still see the kinks left from me-and-you, Can still feel the gravity of our world — And yet, you dare take a simple love, Compare it to an ill-fated time, Withdraw from this curious treasure trove, Would treat you-and-me as a mere past-time? Words fail Emotions fail Love fails Time fails There is The World, And then, there is the world: Control versus freedom Love... and nonsensical rhyme The sense that makes sense makes no sense to you; Though I follow your thinking, the logic's askew — And I'll suffer while you do as you do, And I'll love even while your love you will eschew, And I'll love, remain in love when you bid 'adieu'... And I'll help you acquire yourself a wife, anew... While I hold the days close When you held me so close When words won And hearts won And love won And time won And I won time with one Whom I always loved
Photo credit: Pexels Free Photos
The Way of Intimacy
Lost in the heart of One Too Few Or One Too Many, who never knew The rhythms of a soulful heart, The need of love that could barely start Lost in the minds of More Than One Who called to mind when love was done, Who feared love's loss more than its life I need love more than to be a wife Why do I hide from another's fear? Why slink away for another year? Why withdraw my love because you do? I am not one to love so few To fear openness, fear honesty? How can you consider this to be The way to true intimacy When this, the way to love's simplicity?
Photo credit: Pexels Free Photos
Oceans of Mine 